Sunday, July 27, 2008

Baby Mama

So, I'm kind of excited at the thought of being a surrogate for my sister. We were talking about it the other day, and all I kept saying was "So, I get to have 9 months (give or take) of people all excited because I'm pregnant. You KNOW how everyone loves a pregnant woman! And then to top it off I'm sure I'll get extra attention when I mention that I'm not carrying my babies, but my sisters! because she is going through cancer treatments. Then I get paid time off of work before the baby/babies are born. Then I get 8 weeks paid time off after they are born, with NO NEWBORN BABY! And a big fat bottle of percocet! Can one girl be so lucky? DH asked me where he could sign up!

As for my sister, she met with the people at Sloan-Kettering in NYC this week, and really liked the oncologist. So I think she will be going with them. Right now, she is really waiting for the results of the BRACAnalysis. The BRACAnalysis test detects mutations in the BRCA1 and BRCA2 genes. Mutations in these genes have been determined to predispose individuals to hereditary breast and ovarian cancer. So I am thinking if they find the mutations, it may push her towards doing the single or double mastectomy. If it is not found, she may just do the lumpectomy and radiation. But it seems like regardless of these choices she makes, she will have to go through chemo. Which I think for all of us is the scariest part.

Once she makes her decision, we (her DH and her, me and my DH) will meet with our RE and discuss what we are going to do, how we get synced up, and what my part in all this is. I don't know anything about surrogacy, so I have no idea how much of the protocal I need to do. I know I'll have to do the PIO shots, but besides that, I don't know if they stim me. Anyone know anything about surrogacy?

It's funny, because so many people have said to me what an amazing sister I must be, and I just don't feel that way. I feel like it's nothing. It's my body for 9 months, to give my sister a lifetime of happiness. She would do it for me in a heartbeat. I just don't feel like I'm doing anything special. It's my sister. She's my best friend, and all I want is for her to be healthy and happy.

That being said, I'm going for my first ever mammogram tomorrow, and I'm kinda freaked. I've never had one, and with everything going on, I'm certainly a bit scared. But I've always been one to say, if there is something to be found, find it sooner. I don't want to not know, because then it's just going to get worse.

I'll keep you all updated.

Monday, July 21, 2008

Breathe In, Breathe Out

So, I guess I might as well start by getting the stuff about my sister off my chest. It's long, so bear with me.

My DH and I discovered we were going to have trouble having a baby in the fall of 2006. We saw an RE, had all the testing done, and then I had to have emergency surgery for an ulcer, and that kind of put everything on hold. In January 2007, I got a new job and we went under my new insurance. Neither my job, nor my DH's job covered an IF treatments. So we found a great place that offered Shared Risk Programs. And it was also once of the best, if not THE best, RE in New Jersey. So we made an appt.

I ended up sharing my issues with my sister. DH and I had decided not to tell anyone, we just didn't want the pressure of everyone in our families knowing. My sister ALWAYS has said that she does not want kids. She loved living near NYC, going out all the time, traveling, and she just didn't want to give up that lifestyle.

Well, when I told her about our issues, she shared that her and her husband had also been trying for almost a year, and she wanted to know which doctor I was using, because she was going to call them also.

I was a little upset. I'm just being honest here. I didn't feel great about knowing that we would be going through infertility together. I was scared to death of her getting pregnant, at the same time that I didn't get pregnant. It just seemed too close. I wished that I hadn't told her.

So fast forward. August 2007 we both start to cycle. I was on a short protocol, so on Day 3, I immediately started stims. My sis on the other hand was on a longer protocol where she did a month of BCP first. So mid August, I'm getting my retrieval, and she is still doing BCP.

I lied to my family though. I told them I was on the same protocol as my sister, so when I was trasferring two blasts in, my family thought I was on BCPs planning for everything to happen the next month.

Well, it ended with me getting pregnant with the twins. Yeah. Not such a happy ending for my sister. She ended up with OHSS, 44 eggs, and a stay in the hospital because of all the fluid she retained. The doctors did a "freeze all" on her embies, and only 1 was able to be frozen.

She did a frozen cycle with her single totsicle in December, and got a BFP. Her betas did not double correctly. It was a royal pain in the ass, because her HCG kept going up. They saw a sac, and a fetal pole, but never a heartbeat. I think it was around 8 weeks that she ended up having a D&C.

My sister is great, and was super supportive throughout my whole pregnancy, although I'm sure it wasn't easy. She planned my entire shower, and did just an amazing job. So when I gave birth in April, she was over all the time. So I knew something was kind of odd when they were about 2 weeks old and I didn't hear from her for like a week. She ended up calling me and telling me she did another fresh cycle, this time there were 38 eggs, and she got OHSS again. She had to go have a needle put into her uterus to drain all the fluid. She was out of work for almost 2 weeks, and was at the RE for hours everyday hooked up to an IV. They did another freeze all, but earlier, so there were like 13 frozen.

My sister did a few FETs, and one time she had another positive, only to have non-doubling betas and another D&C. The other time, it was just negative.

Finally she decided it was time to do another fresh cycle. She discussed with her RE, and he said he think he came up with a protocol that would stop her from overstimulating. By this time, she was 36. Our RE requires a yearly mammogram for anyone older than 35 who is going through treatment.

She went for her mammogram, and the doctor called her that night to say that there was something concerning on the film, and he wanted her to see a breast specialist. She went to see him a few days later, and he said he was 90% sure it was nothing, but they needed to go in and biopsy an area where there was something. She had the biopsy done, and about a week later got a call that it was non-cancerous, and to come in for a follow up meeting a week later.

At that follow up, the doctor said he saw something ELSE concerning, so he wanted to go in and get more tissue, but this time they would knock her out. She got the results while on vacation on July 3rd. The cells were cancerous.

My sis went with my mom and her husband a week later to meet with the doctor/breast surgeon. He gave her three options:

1. A lumpectomy where they take out the breast tissue where the cancer is, and tissue from the surrounding area. She would need to follow this up with radiation treatment, and there is a pill she would have to take for 5 years.

2. A mastectomy where they would completely remove the infected breast, and reconstructive surgery for an implant. She wouldn't need any follow up radiation or chemo.

3. A bi-mastectomy where they would remove both breasts, and reconstructive surgery for both. Again, no chemo or radiation.

Another thing they do is immediately during surgery (regardless of which one she has) they take a sample of your lymph nodes, and send them to the lab to see if they are infected. If they are, they take out a bunch of them, and then she will have to do chemo either way.

Also, she was told that if she had any kind of treatment (chemo/radiation) she would have to put of TTC for 5 years. Which would put her at 42. This is when my mom said my sister really lost it. She just started crying and couldn't stop, saying "Im never going to be a mom". To tell you that this broke my heart would be a complete understatement.

So this was the surgeon who told her this. We have a history of breast cancer in my family, my maternal grandmother died of it. So my sister was sent to a genetic counselor for testing to see if she carries the gene that predisposes her to breast cancer. If she does, that may push her more towards the mastectomy, versus the lumpectomy.

Ugh. So then she met with the oncologist. And she dittoed most of what the surgeon said, except she told my sister that she probably would be going through chemo regardless. My sister's cancer currently measures at something like .9 mm, and the doctor said if it's 1 mm or greater, she would have to go through chemo. So now she feels like she will be going through chemo regardless, and it completely and utterly overwhelmed.

My heart is just breaking. Right now she is in fact gathering mode. She has met with many surgeons, oncologists, and plastic surgeons. She is actually meeting with doctors at Sloan-Kettering in NYC today. She is going to hear the results of her genetic testing on Aug 5th at her doctors appt. Depending on the results, I will probably have to go get tested as well. I'm also going to get my first ever mammogram on Monday.

So, in the midst of all this, she met with her RE. He said he has dealt with other patients where this has happened in the past. Depending on the type of treatment, it may not have to be 5 years, could be closer to 3. But he said either way, they will do a fresh cycle and freeze after she has her surgery, but before she starts her treatment.

This is where I come in. My sister hasn't had the greatest luck with her frozen cycles. So I offered to be a surrogate. I offered for her to go through the cycle, and instead of freezing all, transfer the best into me.

So, that's the deal. I'm excited to do any little bit for her that I can. My DH is amazing, and 100% on board. He knows that things might get hectic in our house should it work, he would have to do a bit more with our kids, especially the bigger I get. But we are both willing to make any sacrifice we can for my sister and her husband.

Now we basically just have to wait for her to make her decision about treatment, and go from there.
If you've made it this far, thank you for reading. It's so much to take in, and this is such a good place for me to talk about it, and get feedback, but not have every Tom, Dick and Harry that read the twins site read about it.

It's going to be a long journey. And if I already feel this drained, I can only imagine how she must feel.


Sunday, July 20, 2008

Welcome and Intro

Hi guys. Welcome to my new digs. I have another blog that is mainly for discussion of my twins, but it's very public (read: all my family and friends know about it) so I decided that I needed a place that is just for me. I need a place where I can talk about those same family and friends WITHOUT them knowing. And a place I can talk about issues that might offend them, or things they might not know about me, and I would prefer to keep it that way.

So about me. I conceived my twins via IVF and ICSI. They are, far and away, the light of my life. I've been married to the love of my life (here known as DH) for 5 years (in December). We've known each other since we met our freshman year in college, 17 years ago. He is my best friend and I am the luckiest girl in the world to be married to him.

I work full time as a computer programmer for a great company, and I really like what I do. But I do have a lot of work issues that I would love to vent about on here. So, stay tuned.

I am absolutely addicted to television. I watch a ridiculous amount of tv. Like seriously, out of control. You name a reality tv show, and I watch it. You name a non-reality tv show, and I watch that too. It's crazy. I have no idea how we fit this stuff in. But we do. I also love movies, but we don't get out nearly as much as we used to. DH and I are dying to go see the new Batman movie. We are hoping to get there this week sometime.

I have so much to talk about here, I don't even know how to get started. I want to talk about religion, or my lack there of. I'm an atheist, and it's had some repercussions with my family (I was raised Catholic). I want to talk about my thoughts on going through IVF again, and wanting another kid. I want to talk about my job, and how some of the changes occurring are stressing me, and making me re-evaluate staying there. I want to talk about a twin website I frequent, that I am a member of, and all the horrible people on there. I want to talk about politics, who I'm voting for, why I can't decide, why I am against Universal Healthcare, and why I'm for gay marriage. And lastly, I want to talk about my sister, my best friend. She is going through something that I can't even fathom right now. She is 36. She's been trying to have a baby for like 3 years. She has gone through IVF many times. She was just diagnosed with breast cancer.

See why I need a non-baby blog?

Thanks for coming along for the ride.